Guilt Like Water
by schizometriclanguage
Summary: Obi-Wan.Anakin - "I didn't mean us," Anakin responded, confused, "I was talking about the negotiations."


Anakin swooped up behind Obi-wan and spun him around, quick to lock his mouth over the other man's, swept up in the jubilation around him, feeling the Force quake in waves around him from all the celebration. He laughed as he moved back, hands still holding Obi-wan, evoking a hesitant smile from Obi-wan. Their first kiss, and it felt like an avalanche. Caught in the spiraling joy, their own and the atmosphere of others, Anakin felt a distant sense of affirmation, and moved forward again, too overwhelmed by the churning sea of emotion of the crowd to resist. It felt like the celebration march on Naboo, despite the chill weather and dark stone that the city had been carved out of.

Modestly, Obi-Wan stopped him by turning his head, the kiss instead landing instead in his beard, but was quick to lead them to cover.

* * *

He was aware that it was incautious, rash and out of the character he'd built for himself since he'd become the boy's master, but it resonated some sense of his old self in him. The intoxication of that familiarity was enough confirmation for him to love the Padawan as openly as a facade of adherence to the rules would allow.

Standing in the centre of the Council Chamber, he calmed himself, disallowing himself from getting lost in the patterned floor that was easier to fall into when he thought of what he wasn't telling. He wasn't here for something he'd done wrong, he reminded himself. Nonetheless, he couldn't shake the feeling that they knew. Others had done the same before him, and it'd never gone by with blessing, but neither had it gone by with acceptance. Instead, those involved were left in a suspensions of self-doubt. Hands held behind his back, Obi-wan kept his stance relaxed, his voice steady and his mind alert but hummed nonetheless underneath with the memory relieved more than once from their last mission. But it was a good tremor of energy, he noted, and if no one knew already, they probably disregarded it. It simply made him _jittery_. It simply made him _smile_. No one could accuse him of anything for _that_. He didn't feel doubt, even faced with the Council and Mace Windu's eyes boring into him with intensity or Yoda's with their placidity.

He reiterated the mission, skimming through the beginning, elaborating the complications and self-editing the personal. It didn't differ far from any other briefing he'd given before, the practice of those giving him the confidence to manipulate the finer details of this one.

Humbly he took the quiet praise and left, finding Anakin among the fountains, waiting impatiently, pacing among the delicate mists of water.

* * *

Anakin knew he was pushing the limits of what Obi-Wan would allow, but thrust the man into the tiny room, the door closing behind them withe a soft hiss and click. It was _fun_. Obi-Wan didn't completely agree, but Anakin knew that if he didn't agree even just a little bit, he'd have stopped him. The power he held over Obi-Wan felt _good_, the feeling that with even the slightest action or word he could so deeply affect him. But it went both ways, Anakin losing his fight as Obi-wan ardently kissed him back, feeling weak and disoriented with frenzied euphoria. Every time he closed his eyes, he thought of the complete engagement of the sensation they'd had in the city, amazed and certain that they could recreate it.

"Anakin, they'll wonder where we are," Obi-Wan warned. Anakin chased after the man's mouth with his own, ignoring the warning as though he hadn't heard it. It wasn't hard, seeing as he had hardly heard it at all.

"Mm...let them wonder," he said languidly, feeling Obi-Wan's long hair caught between his fingers and letting it slide through and bunch behind the mans head like a tangled net.

"No," Obi-Wan said, reason clouding over his eyes and a stern set on his lips. He moved away from Anakin, his sense of duty deconstructing the moment. Annoyed, Anakin tried for another moment to have the Master surrender to him, but saw the unwavering answer written on Obi-Wan's face like stone. Letting go, he angrily opened the door and strode down the ship's hall.

"We have an assignment, Anakin," Obi-Wan voiced sternly behind him with no effort to chase after him, "We cannot have our thoughts clouded. This planet deserves better than that."

Anakin did his best to quell the darker feelings of love in him, knowing that Obi-Wan was right, working to convince himself that it wasn't betrayal, or coldness but rather that it was the selfless love for all beings that the Jedi taught and lived by and the mind space that Obi-Wan was choosing to follow. For the first time since Qui-Gon had brought him to the temple, Anakin reviled the word Jedi, unfounded anger coiling at the knowledge that it was intrinsically what Obi-Wan was and could not alter himself away from.

When they landed, Anakin avoided looking at Obi-Wan, trailing slightly behind and listened to the sounds of the streets, the speeder bikes and alien languages of the market, doing his best to lose himself in the feel of the new planet. He couldn't decipher whether it was his own anger or if something was wrong on this planet, and didn't shelve his pride to confer with Obi-Wan. Trying to work Obi-Wan's approach to the mission into his own mind, he worked through the haze of his own emotions.

* * *

They took heavy fire once they were within the view of the government gates. Lightsabre flared, Obi-Wan rushed through his calculations of what may have happened given the sparse information from the briefing, but remained baffled as he followed Anakin in a Force propelled jump between rooftops deflecting behind him a stray blaster bolt. Without looking back, he heard the thud of one of the soldiers hitting the hard durasteel roofing.

He hardly recalled getting onto the roofs, the Force surging through him and between the Padawan at his side. But it wasn't with the usual smoothness, the smallest of fractures living between them, a mere hairline. Obi-Wan did his best not to fear it, trying to accept things as they came and went, always moving with the Force. The reality was however, that he'd never been able to let go of the emotions when they happened with Anakin, and knew just how easily a hairline could burst into a deep canyon.

_Perhaps I'd been too cold,_ Obi-Wan thought; the thought cost him his footing, Anakin dipping back to seize Obi-Wan's wrist, gripping at an unfurled piece of metal that cut into his hand with the weight of them both. Eyes slightly widened by the surprise of his broken concentration, Obi-Wan caught Anakin's eye appreciatively as he was quickly heaved forwards by the young man's strength.

"Watch your step, Master," Anakin said, the usual wry light coming over his face. Obi-Wan didn't have much time to enjoy it, the Force forewarning him of the impending danger.

"Jump!" Obi-Wan shouted, but Anakin was already pulling him down from the roof with him, un-holstering his cable-cord and latching onto the ledge. Overhead, blaster fire came in thunder as it ricocheted downwards. The cord went taut and Obi-Wan winced at the wrenching feeling in his shoulder. Anakin reflected as much as he could, but Obi-Wan with his free hand and the study of Form Three performed more of the defensive, acting with a possessive intensity. Finally understanding who they were dealing with, the soldiers lessened in number, either fallen or dispersed. Obi-Wan deflected one last bolt which ended in a deadening thump, absorbed into a large pile of compost. He tossed his eyes upwards, trying to see over the glare of the planet's sun. There wasn't anyone left chasing them. Danger averted for the time, Anakin lowered them to the ground and they drew up their hoods, melding gracefully into the crowd.

* * *

Anakin scowled; the communication was jammed.

"They've got us trapped," he said, leaning back in his chair to clip the unit back onto his belt.

"Seems to be happening a lot more lately," Obi-Wan remarked mildly from across the table. He turned his luridly coloured drink calmly between his hands, the deep navy lights of the bar casting long shadows over his face. Long melodies of music came from a stage where a pallid-faced women plucked strings on a large wooden instrument, her black charcoal lined eyes peering up every now and then over the waning crowd. Her partner stood up to an amplifier, and together they began to sing. Anakin smiled, thinking of dissimilarity to their voices and Obi-Wan's own drone-like singing and the few occasions that he'd heard it.

"We could steal a ship," Anakin mused. He didn't have to look at Obi-Wan to know the reproving expression, but took his gaze from the stage to catch it anyways.

"They've called us here for a reason. They let us through easily enough, so that means that they've planned this. We simply need to wait until someone contacts us with more elegance than a blaster barrel to know our next move."

"This has been happening much more lately," Anakin agreed darkly. Obi-Wan nodded. There _had_ been many similar disturbances lately. Often enough to be certain that they weren't imagining it. A change could be felt in an approach by all the Jedi. Impulsively, Anakin reached out over to Obi-Wan, grasping for his hands, wanting to confirm that everything was as it should be. Obi-Wan didn't retract, but interruption gruffly introduced itself and he drew his hands away, leaving Anakin reaching for the half empty contents of the glass. He frowned before looking at the man at the side of the table.

"You the Jedi Ambassadors?"

* * *

They were led into an underground network of tunnels leading outwards of the city, following only after Obi-Wan sensed no threat in the man despite his outwardly menacing appearance. Kenit Lauin, Commander of the underground resistance, he introduced himself as.

"We requested your presence, but we had to hack through the government's comm ID's...we even managed to get you through, but the contact we sent to get you didn't show up," the commander explained apologetically, walking them through the tunnels to a small conference room where several other members of the resistance were waiting. Obi-Wan surveyed them quickly, gathering the grim lines of the weary men and women in a moment.

Lauin indicated for them to sit, and Obi-Wan sensed that Anakin wanted him to decline. Anakin fidgeted too much, and knew it. Obi-Wan took a seat, but Anakin opted to stand slightly behind him, arms folded over his chest. Obi-Wan let it discourtesy pass, knowing that in five minutes time, Anakin's fingers would be tapping his thumb in quick succession underneath his cloak to occupy his restless body and that it was better than him tapping at the table or his boots thumping the floor to make up for the excess energy.

"We need you to help us with negotiations," Lauin continued, taking his own seat around the circular table. Obi-Wan could already guess what they wanted. Their planet was one of a constitutional monarchy, and while the file provided by the planet glossed over this, Obi-Wan had easily read between the lines to know what was missing, and what it meant. The design of the table was enough to hint that these people desired a democracy; something Obi-Wan greatly supported, but as always, held apprehension over those looking to establish it. He's seen too often the intents of democracy fall into dissent or become corrupt with the slightest temptation satisfying a personal greed.

_You worry too much,_ Anakin's voice urged him.

"We can only participate as mediators," Obi-Wan compromised.

Lauin nodded, "That's all we ask."

* * *

Negotiations quickly deteriorated, Anakin having excused himself in Obi-Wan's place after a heavy disturbance was felt mutually between Master and Apprentice. His investigation didn't bear good news. Racing to a control panel, Anakin set off the alarm, hoping that it would give them enough time. Only seconds after he set it off however, he heard the detonator, felt it tremor through the floor and set off at a run to reach it.

In the air he could feel the fear, the panic. The smoke entered his lungs and the only smell he cold detect was that of burning. _It's too thick,_ he thought, _I can't see!_

"Obi-Wan!" he shouted. He could see the fire snaking upwards on the walls of the corridor. Obi-Wan was still in here. He _knew_. He always knew when Obi-Wan was in trouble, and had never needed the Force to indicate that for him.

There was no answer. Frantically, he ran headlong into the fire, despite the hissed warnings of bursting pipes and crackling wires acting as the ticking clock.

* * *

Obi-Wan heard his name shouted, and made to answer but was swept down into the black of his injury.

* * *

An Evac Unit had been sent to retrieve them after Lauin, injured but undaunted, hacked into the communications and ascertained their safe removal from the planet. Obi-Wan body hadn't readjusted to his injuries and Lauin admitted that they didn't have enough supplies to help him. He was easy to give into Anakin's demands that they do _something_. But there'd been nothing to give into, Lauin having already sent out his people to go for help for his guests before Anakin had even begun to panic.

"All I had to see was your face to know that something was wrong," he said simply once a runner came back with the message that help was on it's way. Anakin felt small, and curtly nodded his head before going to attend to Obi-Wan with his full attentions.

* * *

Obi-Wan didn't remember the explosion, but his memory had isolated the shouts and screams. He didn't remember Anakin carrying him out either, but remembered hearing him directing others out, his Master slung uselessly over his shoulder.

If it didn't hurt so much to think, he might have made a joke about it. As it was though, he could feel a broken arm for sure, and the fog in his mind suggested a concussion at least. If he were sitting up, he'd be vomiting. If he tried to stand, he'd fall. If he opened his eyes, the lights would be excruciating and blurred. He drifted through the facts, and they got mixed in with Anakin and segued into pieces of what had happened only to drift off in receding waves carrying him back to sleep.

He didn't realize that Anakin had been laying beside him, watching attentively, didn't feel their hands entwined together or occasional brushing back of his hair. Or if he did, he didn't remember, or wasn't sure if it were real at all.

* * *

Anakin walked brusquely alongside the medics, not trusting anyone's watch but his own over his Master, and half listened to the Council's message when they'd gotten into space. Something about the trouble on the planet being more than they could handle until the Senate commissioned an investigation. He didn't care. Like Obi-Wan, he knew how to deal with politics and understood them, but beyond that, he had no passion for them whatsoever.

The medics tried to usher him away, but Anakin refused to leave. He didn't need to try the Jedi mind trick, requiring only to stare them down till they left. Alone in the room, he felt the calm settle more easily over him. Anakin took the mans hand into his own and settled himself carefully over the edge of the bed, watching Obi-Wans chest fall and rise in even breaths. He stroked the top of his knuckles, kissed his hand, glad to know that it'd be alright.

He didn't sleep, promising to stay awake till Obi-Wan woke up.

* * *

"What's the point of laying rules if you don't follow them yourself?" Anakin asked quietly from the dark. The lowness of his voice engulfed the room in a way that was impossible in the light. Obi-Wan shifted inwards to face him, his eyes picking up only silhouettes from the dim light by the door as he lay on the bed.

"We aren't breaking them," Obi-Wan said, though he didn't feel that he was telling any truth, or even answering the question. _No one taught me this,_ he thought through the clearing haze.

He was conscious that though he couldn't see Anakin's face, Anakin could see his, and hoped that his unschooled reactions weren't visible, but he could feel the pressure. With his eyes adjusting he raised a hand to run his knuckles along Anakin's cut jawline to his lips, hoping that he could distract him.

"You're my partner, my companion. We live the same life, we've fought the same battles," Obi-Wan reasoned, "It's wouldn't be the same if it were anyone else, for either of us."

He felt Anakin's intense sight drop away from him. Despite his words, Obi-Wan couldn't help but still feel the lurking guilt that he'd so expertly ignored slowly move through him, incapable of being diluted by his blood and the Force he felt between them, and instead growing more quickly than he could contain it. It wasn't a feeling he could close off, even if he could ignore it. And he worked _very_ hard to ignore it, trying to erase it away from eating at them. How similar was the feeling for Anakin? he wondered.

"I didn't mean us," Anakin responded, confused, "I was talking about the negotiations."

Obi-Wan felt his confidence slide off over the bed to the floor. He hadn't realized that he'd missed a part of the conversation.

* * *

The transport wouldn't take them to Coruscant, taking them instead to the ship's berthing planet, a place of crisp weather and tall dark trees. In just over a standard day, Obi-Wan had regained his balance, and his arm was expertly mended by the med staff. As they'd begun on the last planet they'd been on, Anakin distanced himself but for different reasons. These reasons were the ones of doubt and uncertainty, the feelings he hated and made him feel like a child. Obi-Wan's misplaced answer on the med ship had put him off guard.

They arranged transport, but it wouldn't leave until the following day. The captain, who often frequented the planet suggested that they go out to a lake nearby the town. The water was clean, unpolluted and devoid of large creatures. It sounded fantastic.

* * *

Obi-Wan warmed at the surprise on his Padawan's face as he took the captain's advice and hailed a speeder out to the lake. He'd felt the distance between them, unfortunately remembering what he hadn't meant to say while they'd been on the ship. He hadn't really meant it. Whatever guilt he felt was sprung from what guilt he didn't feel and knew that he should have. For him, his relationship, while more attached than it should be for a Jedi, wasn't blinding. What he was worried about was Anakin's interpretation, and the guilt came in with the knowledge that he was likely only indulging the young Jedi.

He didn't have the heart to explain. Anakin wouldn't understand, hadn't been raised the same way he had. Obi-Wan frowned; the attachment allowed him to retain selfishness. It became clear to him that the only thing that could define his love for Anakin from the love of anyone else was that he had the potential to be selfish and possessive over him. The definition he'd designed came disturbingly.

* * *

Anakin watched Obi-Wan undo his tunic, leaving his torso bear. Where Anakin had simply tossed his onto the graveled shore, Obi-wan took the time to fold his carefully and place it on the rock. Anakin tossed a glance at his rumpled tunic but quickly succumbed to the allure of the dark, cool water. He didn't watch as Obi-Wan continued to undress, instead dipping under carefully, avoiding the shallow shore bottom and swimming out as far as a single breath would take him. Closed eyes, he likes that he won't know how far he's gotten until he opens them. As his chest tightens, he begins pushing for the surface, breaking water and opening his eyes to see the distance. He gives a short smirk of satisfaction before leaning back to float gently on the water.

_This is a beautiful planet,_ he thinks. Glancing out to the shore, he sees that Obi-wan is swimming out towards him in broad, even strokes. His muscles tensed and relaxed in a rhythmic motion, hypnotic. Anakin smiled. Obi-Wan took everything so seriously. Drawing up closer to the Knight, Anakin put himself as an obstacle in front of him and cleared his face of any emotion; staring contest. The blue in Obi-Wan's eyes were enhanced by the dark blue of the lake; too serious, Anakin thought again. He broke the game and flicked some water into Obi-wan's face and laughed. Put at ease, Obi-wan gave way to a chuckle of his own, teeth flashing for a moment. The water was returned over Anakin's face, covering him in an uneven pattern of cool and warm, the sun filling in where the water did not.

Obi-Wan dove underneath, disappearing in the strange sharp drop-off of the lake's bottom. Curious to see the bottom for himself, Anakin followed, his eyes open, the water feeling strange as it moved in slight currents against them. Shortly after the shore, the terrain of the waters floor dropped much more deeply that Anakin would have anticipated, the weight of the water pressing itself around him like a cold skin as he swam deeper and deeper after Obi-wan. He could barely see him, the dark minerals of the water clouding everything; there was no bottom to the lake, no living creature in view though he could feel them all around him. They hummed, it seemed, and gathered; it was overwhelming. Without his sight to distract him, their energy and the pressure of the water felt suffocating. He ascended, emerging to the blinding light reflecting off the water. Everything looked shadowed but cleared again as his eyes adjusted.

He waited for Obi-Wan, unworried despite the elapsed time since he'd been surfaced. There were no distress signals through their bond, and from experience Anakin knew that Obi-wan had an uncanny lung capacity. Languidly he reached out into the liquid net of the Force, drawing up a thin spout of water in front of him and turning into shapes as he drew up more. He felt Obi-wan approaching, but didn't cease to weave the water skywards. Through it he could see Obi-wan watching, eyes unreadable.

Slowly he worked the twisting water back down into it's place. He moved himself closer to Obi-wan, tilting his head gently to meet lips delicately. There was no one to see the rules breaking here, he thought, pressing himself closely to the other man's skin hungrily, comfortable to drift in the dark waters. No one here for Obi-Wan could feel guilty about.


End file.
